Thankful On Thanksgiving

    Five years. It’s crazy how much things can change yet I’m still no closer to where I want to be. To where I know in my heart I should be.

    It’s Thanksgiving night, 12:23, and I’m grateful. Grateful not for the things I have because I’ve worked hard for those but grateful to be happy. Because five years ago I wasn’t. On the surface, not much has changed since then, but when you peal back the layers, it’s all changed. I’ve changed.

    I’d only just started working at Ocean State Job Lot, a job I didn’t want but needed after getting fired from Toys R Us six months prior. Jaime wasn’t working at the time and we had no money coming in. My friend had moved out, leaving us with no income. We’d planned on going back to work at the Microdyne call center for Stonewall Kitchen where we’d make good money and get countless hours. But their contract fell through leaving us without our seasonal jobs. So I started putting in applications. The first one I filled out was for Ocean State Job Lot. They called me a few minutes later while I was submitting an application somewhere else and the next day I had the job.

    I hated it. With a passion. In fact I didn’t plan on going back after orientation. But for some reason I did. My second week there, I was scheduled to work the midnight shift for Black Friday. I’d always loved working Black Fridays at Toys R Us, going in super early, dealing with the crazy crowd. But having to go in for midnight would ruin the whole day. When would I even sleep? For Thanksgiving that year we got together with my mother in law and went to see Unstoppable in the theatre and then ate a late night dinner at Denny’s. It was fun, or it should have been, but the thought of going in to a job I hated for ten hours loomed over me. I tried to take a quick nap but failed miserably. Jaime turned on some crappy Christmas movie as I got ready for work, the last place I wanted to be. I actually cried while leaving that night. I wanted nothing more than to stay home, decorate the house and watch that crappy Christmas movie. It was my worst Thanksgiving ever.

    I vowed to never forget that feeling. I needed it to inspire me. To push me into writing more books and fighting to get published. Change was necessary for my survival. Depression is a horrible feeling but I pushed through it.

    A week and a half ago I passed my five year anniversary at Ocean State Job Lot. I don’t dread going there. I battled depression and won, and in the process learned how to make others smile. I always knew how to relate to people but was never the funny one that could brighten someone’s day. In these five years, that is perhaps the best quality I’ve adopted. And in doing so, I’ve learned to make myself smile instead of depending on others. Positivity goes a long ways. But when everything around you is negative, the last thing you’re able to be is positive. So it’s a catch 22 really.

    As I sit here on my new couch, a sectional, to replace the crappy recliner we got five years ago, lights on the Christmas tree brightening the room, flames from the electric fireplace crackling away, an old episode of Monday Night Raw playing on the TV thanks to the WWE Network, I feel at peace. Almost.

    Jaime’s in the bedroom, sleeping, dreading going to work tomorrow for her twelve hour shift at JC Penny, followed by two more ten hour days to round out the weekend. Today we were supposed to have a redo of our Thanksgiving five years ago with Denny’s and a movie. But she wasn’t in the mood and it disappointed me at first. Until I realized, just because I’m happy and content doesn’t mean everyone else is. She may very well be feeling what I felt all those Thanksgivings ago. I hope its not as bad as what I was feeling but would still give anything to change it.

    Its in that peace I find a feeling of contentment. In some ways, good, in others, not so much. I’m not a published author. In fact, I haven’t written a book, start to finish, in the last five years. I’ve done complete overhauls of my two completed works, a couple times actually, but nothing new. Every once in awhile I feel trapped and start writing again with a purpose, not just out of desire. It’s when you need something that you work harder for it. And right now, I hate it, but I don’t need to write. I don’t need to because I’m happy where I am, and I shouldn’t be. I’ve grown too comfortable here.

    This life is easy. And for the past year and a half that it’s been that way, I’ve been happy. Like unnaturally happy. Every day is a gift and I try to do the most with it. I’ve accomplished so much and done things I’ve always wanted to do. I love it. I love every day. Five years ago, I couldn’t see that happening. I truly couldn’t.

    I’ve built a stronger marriage with my wife. I’ve reconnected with my parents, bringing us closer together than I thought we’d ever be. I produced and recorded a new album from scratch. I rediscovered my love for hiking and have gone places I thought impossible. I’ve surprised my family with a visit on Christmas. I’ve discovered caves and found waterfalls. I’ve been to so many amazing places I’ve lost count. I collect rocks and grow trees and the list goes on and on and on. I smile. It all makes me smile. I am grateful for that. I’m crying a little bit right now, just like I was five years, but its for the completely opposite reason.

    My life isn’t what I wanted it to be. It isn’t what I fought for. It isn’t what I’d imagined. But god damn is it incredible.