Running Towards Success

        Yesterday marked my first day getting back into running. After our hikes on Friday I got Chinese takeout, next morning I was five pounds heavier. I jumped from 205 to 210 after one fairly small meal. After getting mad at the scale I got mad at myself for allowing it to happen. I didn’t think gaining five pounds overnight was possible but learned the hard way that it is.

        In this heat and high humidity we’ve been having, working out is dreadful, whether it be cardio, yoga or weight training. As a result my workouts have suffered slightly. But after gaining five pounds I decided I didn’t care how uncomfortable it is, I’m going all out. When you want something bad enough you have to fight for it. I want to be skinny, not only that, I want to be healthy.

        We only get one body, one life, and I want to use and live mine to the fullest. I got a late start getting back into hiking, I’m almost 32 years old. Granted it comes naturally to me and I fall back into like its nothing but I want to be running up and down these mountains, which I do, but I want to do it more easily. And I want to be doing it for a long time, make up for the years I missed. If I’m going to be doing this into old age, I need the best body possible.

        Hiking, like exercising, had always been a love and hate relationship with me. I love hiking, always have, but hate it at the same time. Hated. I don’t anymore. Even when its hard and the trail just keeps going on and on or I’m not finding what I’m looking for, I’ve learned to enjoy the moment. As a kid I didn’t know if I liked or disliked hiking, it was just something my family did. I enjoyed it but didn’t enjoy the challenge. It was difficult. As a result I didn’t like long trails or mountains with lackluster views.

        Today, I love them all. Sometimes the end isn’t as good as the journey. You can make each trail what you want, sometimes it just takes a little exploring off the beaten path. As it turns out, you don’t need to stick to the trail. Sometimes the best stuff isn’t on one. It’s something I’ve known for half my life but didn’t know how to put into practice until now.

        I think a lot of it comes down to money. When you’re poor, it limits you, a lot. Money doesn’t buy happiness, no, but it does afford you opportunities. And just because you have money doesn’t mean you take the opportunities it has presented you with.

        We’ve been to Acadia eleven times this summer. We’ve lived here in Bangor Maine for eleven years. In those past eleven years, we’ve probably been to Acadia a total of eleven times. In one year we’ve done what we did in the past eleven.

        Why? Desire has a lot to do with it. The desire to do something, to find something, to become something greater. But that desire has been there all along, I know because I’ve felt it eating away at me. The difference today is that we can afford it. We can afford the park pass, we can afford the gas money to get there, the food along the way. By no means are we wealthy, but we’re doing good. We don’t live paycheck to paycheck like those around us. Financially we’re stable enough to go on a two week vacation which is something that we couldn’t have dreamed of just a few years ago. The money we didn’t have was costing us experiences we so desperately wanted.

        Now that we’ve had a taste of it, we want more. Not in a greedy way, but because we want to live the life that we envision. It is attainable. You just have to work for it but at the same time, you have to have fun getting there. It’s a delicate balance.

        I could work out for hours today. I could push myself beyond what I’m capable of. I ran a mile. Could I go run another one? Yes, probably. But I have to think about what it would do to me tomorrow. I could get a management position at work, the one they’ve been asking me to take, it would be a little extra money. But is the added stress really worth it? Maybe to some, but not to me. I’m able to do all the things I do because I have no stress. Let me tell you, stress weighs a lot. It eats away at you and makes having fun rather difficult. You first have to unwind and leave the stress behind. Which takes time to do. The stress free life I’ve created for myself allows me to jump from one thing to the next, no downtime needed. No need to decompress and get my mind clear. Yes, that extra money would get me where I want to go a little quicker but it would also change my lifestyle now. I wouldn’t have the same freedom.

        I can focus on my body because my mind is clear. Finally. Its been an uphill battle, a straight up war to get where I am now, not just mentally but in life, in general. Hell, three years ago when I’d get home from work I’d need to use crutches just to get to the bathroom. Today, I got home from work and ran a mile. It’s a good feeling. Three years before that I was making money any way I could just to pay the bills we still couldn’t afford. Three years before that we were living off of Burger King’s buy on get one free coupons we’d get in the mail, not a dollar to our names. Three years before that I was struggling to make it in the rap game while slowly losing everything I’d worked so hard for.

        You have to work hard for the things you want. Sometimes you have to work harder than you want to or should have to. The trick is to have fun while doing it. You can make the best of any situation. I work so hard at everything I do and smile so frequently because I feel I need to do enough to make up for all those I see around me. Doing nothing. I mean nothing. Smiling never. Laughing too infrequently. Living their miserable lives from day to day, paycheck to paycheck. Its depressing.

        At one point I belonged here with them, mad because I couldn’t find a way to succeed. But I don’t belong here anymore. On my search for success I’ve accomplished nothing in my eyes yet more than anyone I’ve ever known. It’s a strange contradiction. All I know is when I do something, I strive to be the best at it. I will succeed at losing weight and gaining muscle because when the world sees me being the best at whatever it is I do, I want to look the best doing it. Arrogant. Vain. Shallow. I don’t care, whatever you want to call it. I work hard to be what I am and will continue to work harder in order to be better. And hope that someday soon the world sees it.